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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in darkangel814's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 11th, 2010
1:27 am

Thursday, February 14th, 2008
5:27 pm
Long Time, No See

Haven't been on here in forever...Just saying hi....Will try to add more later.....

Current Mood: sick
Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
3:51 pm
How lame is it to organize a concert to make money for the funeral expenses of a good friend, and then pocket the money? If I were prone to getting involved in dramatic situations that are none of my business, I'd kick his ass. But, I've grown up a lot and want no part in it. I just wish the money went to help the family, because they need it more than Brent's sorry butt does. Am I overreacting?

Current Mood: pissed off
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
2:44 pm
RIP Derik

I love you and miss you more than words can say. I do not know why you felt you had nothing left, but you will always be missed. Your mom said that you thought I was crazy, but you loved me anyways. Well, you were crazy too, but we always had fun drinking and tripping together. Our conversations were some of the best around. It was like we were always ganging up against the whole world. I love you, buddy, and I hope you are happy and safe and free from pain now.

Current Mood: sad
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
7:24 pm
Thanksgiving was so awesome. I got to see my mom, dad, my brother (Jared), sister, her boyfriend, my grandma, my nephew (Ian), and my niece (Tabitha). It was nice seeing my niece, because I haven't seen her in eight years due to a nasty divorce. So, I was ecstatic that she got to come spend the holidays with us. Thursday night, Beau and I took his mom to Murfreesboro to eat a Thanksgiving dinner at Ryan's. Then on Friday, we had brunch with my family and went to the Southern Belle for a dinner cruise. We had a private room and everything on the boat, so we had a really nice spot where we could watch the fireworks and the lighting of the boats. Saturday, dad took me shopping and bought me a wireless keyboard and mouse for my computer, as well as a printer/copier/scanner/fax combination. Then, Beau and I went and saw Harry Potter. We wrapped up our lovely vacation today by sleeping in and going to Red Lobster. So, I had a nice vacation, but I wish I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow.

I have worked constantly the last couple weeks rebuilding my computer. I added more RAM, a new dvd-rw drive, a new video card, and some awesome new speakers. I also reformatted, so it runs like a brand new machine. I am pretty excited about it, but it is my goal to buy a new computer within the next couple of years. Anyways, I am going to go watch movies now, so someone give me a call and we'll hang out. Love you all.

Current Mood: accomplished
Sunday, October 30th, 2005
10:31 am
Cam Party
Going seemed like a good idea at the time. But it was boring, and I was lonely, and I realize I know longer fit in in Chattanooga for whatever reason. Plus, I was perfectly content with my life until I realized some things. I will quit rambling. No more Cam for me, I don't think.
Friday, October 7th, 2005
10:57 pm
Sometime I look back at my life and wonder if I got it all wrong. I am finally happy, but it seems to have been at the expense of so many people. I spent so much time unsure of who I wanted to be and who I wanted to be with, and I jumped from group to group, mostly out of insecurity, but also out of selfishness. And I've grown up and changed, and I want to move on with my life, but it would be dishonest to say there aren't a few people I wish were still in my life.

The last few days, I've woken up, expecting to find the anger that has been eating at me for the last few months, and it is just not there anymore. My life has been waking up, going to work, making an honest living, going home, cleaning my house, watching a little tv, and going to bed. Even if I wanted drama, which I don't, there is no time for it. I feel older than twenty-two, just because of how much I changed. Anger, hate, jealousy, betrayal...those words are no longer in my vocabulary.

I appriciate the people who stuck by me while I was finding myself, and I really wish I could be in Chattanooga more. I feel like there is so much I need to make amends for, and it is so hard to do it from where I'm at. But I needed to get away, Being truly on my own helped me know what I needed.

I need the job I'm at. It saved my life. Having a purpose for getting up every morning, plus the structure from an 8 to 4 job, helped get my life back in shape. I couldn't stay out late partying, I couldn't be irresponsible, and it helped. I need to go back to school, which I'm doing in January. Being out of school, and not having a degree, made me feel empty. I'm five classes away, so I'm going to finish now before a family makes that difficult. I need people I can trust and count on, who know I may make mistakes, but that I will always feel bad for them and try to make them right. And they will know that I never mean to hurt anyone, because I am not the type to intentionally hurt anyone. Whenever that happens, the guilt tears at me. But on that note, I need to learn to let go of guilt. Things happen, and I can't beat myself up over it, nor can I let anyone else.

In a way this is an apology to a lot of people....past and present. My car accident made me realize how precious life was. And I'm not going to waste mine on anymore high school bull shit. Anyone who wants to talk to me, no matter how past relationships went, I am here to listen. But please, I don't want any problems or drama, so if you just want to tell me what a horrible person I am, don't waste your time. Because I will not waste mine on this anymore.

Current Mood: contemplative
Sunday, September 25th, 2005
10:59 pm
Life Update
I am not quite sure where to begin. Most importantly, though, I am happy. Beau and I are still together. I live in Decherd, TN in a really nice duplex. It is just Beau and I in a two bedroom, one bathroom place. All the rooms are pretty big, and I finally have an office/library. Rent is pretty low, and between my job as a database specialist, and his job at Aramark, we have more than enough to live on. I was in a bad car accident three weeks ago, so money has been a little tight because of the car, but after this week, we will be back on track.

Speaking of the accident, I am lucky to be alive. A woman hit me going 60 m.p.h. in a 20. My car was thrown over a hundred feet. I walked away with a pretty bad neck and back injury, and had to be in a brace for a week, but other than that, I was fine, and I feel very blessed for that.

Work is going well. I have caught on to how things work, and I am starting to feel like I've been there forever. I get sick time, vacation time, personal days, and a free meal in the cafeteria pretty frequently. So, life is good. And making more than $10/hr. plus getting really good health insurance, life insurance, and dental is another added bonus. Plus, I get along with most the people I work with, so that is good.

I do miss South Pittsburg and Chattanooga from time to time, but there was a lot of pain there, and here I have been able to get a fresh start and work things out in my head. I feel I am a more confident, more happy individual. And it's nice knowing I can pay my bills on time each month and still have enough money to live comfertably.

I am also cleaning up. I have mostly quit smoking, and I am no longer abusing pills. I was taking uppers to fix depression and downers to get high, but the depression is finally starting to go away, and I realize how I foolish I was to use drugs to fix my problems in the first place. They made me into someone I hated.

I really don't know what else to say. Not many people have called or e-mailed me. I know some people fee like I made a lot of mistakes while living out there, but I maintain that I did nothing wrong. I will make no apologies for my past. I had a whole lot of people ganging up on me at one time, and I did what I could do defend myself. I lost some friends in the process, but anyone who would abandon me for that, was not a friend to begin with.

Well, to all those who stood by me, I love and miss you. I would love to hang out next time I'm in Chattanooga.

And here is a parting note...

LJ Interests meme results

  1. computers:
    I love computers. I feel naked without mine. I did go without internet for a while, but as of two days ago, I am up and running again. So, drop me a line. I'd be glad to catch up.
  2. dancing:
    Everyone who knows me and has seen me dance, knows I can move my ass with the rest of them. Jace remembers seeing me move at Chattacon. Lol, Timmy did too.
  3. debate:
    Some people may call it causing drama, I call it having an opinion. Everyone who knows me also knows I do have solid opinions and am not afraid to argue them. Funny how being independant and smart makes you a drama queen in some people's eyes.
  4. internet:
    See above. Internet is like oxygen for me. With my busy life, it's nice to have a way to talk to people, check headlines, and listen to music all in the same place.
  5. music:
    Well, for those who don't know, I play piano and drums. I've played the panio since I was four, and it is my way of relieving stress. As for listening, I love A Perfect Circle, AFI, Dashboard Confessional, Tool, Korn, Linkin Park, Evanescence, Smashing Pumpkins, Alanis Morisette, Creed, and older bands, like Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Pink Floyd, the Beatles, Jefferson Airplane, and Led Zeppelin. I'm kind of a hippie/goth/emo kid all rolled into one.
  6. poetry:
    I have loved poetry since I was little. My faves are Edgar Allan Poe (I've been in his house), Dylan Thomas, and Dante (the Divine Comedy counts, dammit).
  7. politics:
    This goes hand and hand with debate. I am very Liberal, and while I think I would be more Libertarian than anything, I vote democrat. Anything to keep assholes like W. out of office.
  8. reading:
    I have been reading constantly since I was little. I love to read books about history, religion, philopsophy,vampires and other supernatural phenomena, and motivational books. (Yes, I am pathetic, but I love Robert Fulgham and the guys who write Chicken Soup for the Soul). The book I am currently reading is the Encyclopedia of Urban Legends, and the last book I finished was the new Harry Potter (it rocked). Of course, I am also known to read anything I come in contact with :magazines in the docter's office, advertisements, cd liner notes, you name it, I'll read it.
  9. roleplaying:
    I love to be able to dress up and play a character completely unlike me. I've always been shy and self-concious, so my characters have always been outgoing, charasmatic, and beautiful. I'm really bad at remembering rules, though, but it does not keep me from enjoying playing. Speaking of which, I haven't gamed in a while. I should call my friend Chris and have him run a game.
  10. vampire the masquerade:
    Hmm....I like reading, I like vampires, and I like role-playing. This is a perfect mix for me. Plus, I have a pretty nice collection fo books.

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

Current Mood: sore
Monday, July 25th, 2005
3:21 am
Yay! Life is looking up. I was living in a two bedroom apartment that used to be a gas station, but I am moving this week into a three bedroom, nice house. I will have to do a little painting, but other than that it is fine. And cheap. Rent is $250, which will be split between four people. Mom bought me a nice bathroom set for the house, and I got new dishes and appliances. I want to learn to cook finally.

I also got a job at a local college making about $800 more a month than I've been making. I will have tons of extra money, which will go into making the house truly beautiful. Plus, I am going to go to Chat State in the fall to get an associates in Office Admin. After that I will wait til I work for two years, and then I can go to the college I'm working at for free to finish up my four year in business.

I have gotten a good majority of my debts paid off, and I just have my credit card, which my mom and boyfriend are helping with, so I will be back on track soon.

Life has been drama free, for a while, and I am loving it. I miss some of my friends from Chattanooga, but I am much happier than I have ever been and have no regrets about moving. I need to go to bed now. I am helping my mom and dad move in the morning.
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
8:06 am
My Week
This past weekend both my mom and sister had birthdays, so there were a lot of festivities. I had a wonderful breakfast in Chattanooga on Saturday, then went to a ball game with Beau and my family on Monday. I got the new tags for my car last week, so I'm officially a resident of Marion County. I just need to go register to vote today, and I will be all set.

Last weekend I bought my self a GameBoy Advance as a diversion from all the disturbing shit that has been going on in my life lately. Now, I have something to do in my free time other than cook and clean. It has been relaxing and a good way of relieving stress.

Lately I have put a lot of pain behind me. It no longer hurts that none of my old friends talk to me. I have met people who are second family out here. Anytime I need help and vice versa, they know they can come to me. I don't put up with any drama though. If it comes in my house, the person who starts it is permanently banned. I do not need it right now. My life is finally almost complete. I had the epiphany the other night that I am finally happy.
Thursday, April 14th, 2005
1:42 am
My Interesting Week
And it's only Thursday. One of my friend's little sisters was in a serious car accident about a week ago. She is still in intensive care and will probablly be there for at least a month. Things are not looking good, but I will continue hoping and will hope that anyone who reads this will send some good wishes her way. Police at the scene said someone purposely went into her lane to push her off the road, and that sucks a lot. My friend Derik is in the hospital with severe pneumonia. He was admitted this morning, and they don't know when he will be released. Unfortunately, I have to be at both jobs tomorrow, so I won't have time to go visit him in Scotsboro. I hope to visit this weekend if he is still there, but hopefully he will have been sent home by then. Beau ended up at the doctor yesterday for a sore throat, and it turned out his tonsils had ruptured. He is feeling a little better and would be back in school tomorrow if he didn't have to go to the neurologist for his seizures. I was feeling shitty this morning and had to miss a day of job training, which sucks. I still have a headache and really bad naseau, but I can't miss anymore work.

Other than that, I've been working hard. Fifty hours or more a week of working is kind of tiring. I haven't worked this much ever, so it's been a little hard to get used to. Starting next week, I will have to be at work at 6:30 am at least five days a week and won't get home til almost 10 pm. But I will have lots of money, and I can start to form a pretty decent life with my man.

And I am finally learning to be domestic. Cleaning my roomie, Ross', house has been challening, but fun. It used to be a garage and before that a gas station, plus it had three guys living in it, so it was a mess. For now, it is just Ross and I, but Beau will be moving in soon. After I am finished cleaning th house out, I am gonna paint and eventually get new carpet. We allready fixed the water in the bathroom and got a washer and dryer. I am gonna go get the rest of my stuff on Saturday, so I can officially move in and have a bed and all. Beau's mom has been teaching me to do laundry and iron, and people at work have been offering to teach me to cook. I want to one day be a very good wife and mother, and I am looking forward to being able to do that.

Other than that, there is really nothing new. Sorry I haven't called anyone lately. Things have been hectic. I need to get ahold of some friends in Chattown soon to catch up.

Current Mood: ecstatic
Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
11:44 pm
Soul Searching
Over the last few days I've done a lot of thinking about what I've accomplished in the last few months and what I still have left to do.

I did finally get out of Chattanooga after years of wishing I could. I have two brand new jobs that I love. I have made friends that live in the same town as me. I found a guy who loves me and treats me right and who is a best friend first and foremost. I dropped thirty pounds since December, and I have done a better job of having self-esteem and not letting people walk all over me.

On my list of things still left to do, I want to save up money to go back to school and finish my degree, I want to continue losing the weight til I am back to where I was two years ago. And I want to be a good friend to the people I care about and a good girlfriend to Beau.

I am proud of myself because despite all the shit I've been through the last year, I have remained true to myself and a generally good person. Sure, I've fucked up, but so has everyone else at some point in their life. I have been through extreme tests, with people trying hard to sway my loyalties and putting me in situations where I've had to make hard decisions. But I feel I have done the right things for the most part, and I can honestly say I am finally in a good place.
Friday, April 8th, 2005
12:50 am
Hmmm....What A Coincedence
So every guy I date goes out with someone who is a skanky whore after me. It seems people I marry go for even skankier people. I guess they know I am the best they can get and know better than to try to find someone who compares. Bitch, I told you on my porch you are an immature slut and I meant it. But I guess I should be happy for my skank ex, because I have found someone who makes me happy. And despite the fact that he is a fucking idiot, I guess he deserves some happiness too. On a lighter note, my friend Derek says he wants to pee in my exe's butt for being an asshole. I never said my friends were normal.

Also on a lighter note, I have two jobs now and a place to live. I am almost completely moved. Life is good.
Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
1:39 am
Finally Acheived My Goals
I have moved to South Pittsburg. I still have a few minor things left in Chattanooga, but I have a couple more weeks to move those. I have my own bedroom, which is probablly gonna end up being quite a bit more clean then the rest of the house, but I can deal with that. Rent is $30 a week, which includes utilities and some groceries, and I get to live with friends. At least this isn't as big of a ripoff as the last time I lived in a friend's house.

I also got two jobs just down the street from my home. I will be working the ass crack of dawn shift at Cracker Barrel and second shift at GameStop. That will give me at least 50 hours a week, and I should be making pretty good money.

Finally, I haven't scared Beau off yet. We are happy and planning on moving in together pretty soon (though we pretty much live together as is). I love him, and can't wait until October. Anyways, I feel like flirting with him now, so I'm ending this post.

Current Mood: loved
Thursday, March 24th, 2005
7:35 pm
Since I can not be at the Cam meeting to discuss this face to face, because I have allready been in the hospital twice this week, I figured I would say my piece on LJ.

This situation has been tearing me apart since it began. It started as an argument between Curtis and I, and slowly other people became involved, some because I asked them to, and some who I never intended to be involved. Both of us were childish and went to other people instead of speaking to each other, which I apologize for. We are adults and should have handled the situation better.

As for later incidents, I acted out of hurt, rather than anything else. It really hurt when everyone turned their back on me without ever hearing my side of the story. I can honestly say if someone had even cared enough to listen to why I acted the way I did, instead of immediately jumping to the wrong conclusion or, even worse, not speaking to me at all, I don't think the situation would have elevated as much as it did. I needed to vent my feelings on LJ, because there was nowhere else that I could go with them. I did say a lot of things I regret, and I am sorry that I let things get that far.

I feel like I am being selfish to Beau because I have spent so much time focusing on this situation, instead of focusing on our relationship. So, I am taking myself out of this situation and doing the things I need to do, like finish moving, find a job closer to my new home, and work on not scaring this guy away.

I am sorry about my last post, and I am sorry I can not be at MudPies to talk this over with people. I have a bad case of bronchitis and the doctor says I need to rest.
Monday, March 21st, 2005
1:42 am
In the spirit of Daemonolith
I would like to post a few random comments about my "friends". I am using the term friend very loosely here to mean someone who I used to talk to or hang out with or maybe even care about who recently turned into an asshole. Let me start with the biggest dicks first.

Curtis: You are the most fucking fake person I have ever met. You were so insecure and afraid of being alone you pretended to love anyone who would have you. But all you knew was how to use people and treat them like shit. And if hitting me and using me for sex wasn't enough, now you aren't even man enough to admit it. I admitted all my fucking mistakes, and you should admit yours you spinless jackass.
I hadn't even told anyone about you crying in the hospital waiting room when I said I wanted to go smoke, because you thought I'd leave you. I thought I'd leave you with at least some dignity, but no. That whole day you kept talking about how much you loved me, and you said we might go back out. I bought it for a while, but I am glad I finally saw the light. It was bad enough the first time around.

Daniel: You were my best friend, and it is still hard for me not to care about you. But you have been nothing but angry and hateful to me, when I did nothing to you. I can't even say anything mean, because all I can remember right now is you teaching me to waltz in my living room and having you claim to own my hand. Maybe I am an eskiho, but at least I don't abandon my friends when they need me most.

Matt: I get the feeling you are never honest with me. We used to sit up until 4 am talking on the phone about anything, and I imagined we'd be partners in crime until the day we died. But you got mad at me for things I will never quite understand and instead of working it out, you turned your back on me. I'm really not mad at you, just hurt.

Mikey: You were like a big brother to me. I went to you and Jess because I needed saftey from the relationship I was in. You are now turning around and accusing me of making it up now, when then you guys were telling me how I needed to get out and stay out. It is great that I am like food, and you don't give a shit less whether I live or die, because I give even less of a shit about people who betray friends, spread rumors, and then turn back aorund and tell lies about the person their fucking over just to save their own ass. Glad to know the person who considers himself the honor police has even less than anyone I know.

Rod: I am glad to know you'd abandon someone who considered who one of her best friends for a girl. Not even your own girl, one of your friend's girls. I hope you are happy knowing you are a backstabbing prick who is dating someone who is known for using people for all she can. Hell, trying to get Matt to get hydros for her. Hmmm.....sounds promising. All I can hope is she'll hurt you the same way she hurt Jason.

Jason: I love you, and you are one of the few people I can still stand. Quit telling people shit I tell you. I'm not mad, but jeez. Other than that, you are the only good guy in this situation, except for my man, of course, and I thank you for remaining neutral for the most part.

Beau: I love you. You are the only person who can outweigh all the bad in my life right now. I can't wait to officially start my life with you, and thanks for being there.

In closing, I'm sending a big fuckoff to all those who have betrayed me recently. At least I know I'll have company in Hell.

Current Mood: pissed off
Friday, March 18th, 2005
9:39 pm
Immaturity at it's Best
So, all I ask is for a simple apology, which I deserve. People spread rumors I was lying about things, found out I wasn't, and found every loophole imaginable to avoid admitting they were wrong. You would think that grown men would know how to say oops I fucked up and move on. However, the blame was again put on me. As for a certain ex-husband I have, he should realize by now that I haven't been approaching him and would rather have nothing to do with him. He is a liar, manipulator, and a physical and mental abuser, and if I never saw him again, it would still be too many time having seen him. And I am with someone a hundred times nicer, smarter, and more attractive, which kind of makes me realize how stupid I was for liking my ex in the first place. I guess when the last person I dated before my ex-husband was a rapist, it made him look kind of good in comparison. And, it is a refreshing change to be with someone with a dick bigger than a pencil and to not have to fake orgasms anymore. So, all in all, I am happy with my life, but I still want the apology that I deserve. If not because they found out I'm right, but because I was unfairly suspended, which was proven last night when people were forced to take it back a month early. Anyways, I will probablly get bitched at for rumormongering, so here is my disclaimer...this is a personal journal. I have the right to say what I want. If you don't like it, go sit on your goddamned finger and spin.

Oh, and since the title of the post is Immaturity at it's Best, I heard the best insult I had heard since kindergarten the other day. A former friend who has turned into a stuck up, self-rightous asshole, told one of my friends "Fuck off, freak" in an im. I've decided what I can use next time I'm trying to insult someone with an IQ lower than 12. So, thanks for that....I'd never have figured that one out on my own.

Oh, and for a bit of good news. I'm engaged. I am very happy. It looks like we're planning it for October 31, but only time will tell.
Saturday, February 26th, 2005
9:35 pm
My Life
Lately, my life has gotten very interesting. Fortunately, it isn't bad for once. I have decided to take some time off of school and recooperate from all this illnesses I've had lately. Second, I met someone wonderful who is everything I have been looking for. He's sweet and romantic, and cares more for me than roleplaying or almost anything else for that matter. I don't expect anyone to be happy for me, because a lot of people wrongly hate me right now, but I am happy for once and that is all that matters. The guys I have been with in the past have used me and abandoned me when I needed them, and this isn't going to happen again. I am loved.

Current Mood: loved
Friday, February 11th, 2005
2:42 am
Cam Drama
I am really tired of all the shit that has been going on all week. I have been trying to stay out of it, and I keep being dragged into it. I am sick and tired of people pretending they know me, when they never actually took the time to get to know me. I am not an evil, malicious person, and I have been painted into one. I am trying to live my life, nothing less and nothing more. Give me that right, stay out of my business unless I choose to make you a part of it, and quit making shit up about me.

I have heard rumors that I was back together with Curtis, that I lied about things that happened in that relationship. I have no reason to lie. The people who matter know the truth, and I am done defending myself. If you are one of the people spreading shit, fuck off.

Current Mood: drunk
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
10:49 pm
More Annoying Quizzes
Take the quiz: "Who Are You In Avenged Sevenfold?"

Zacky Vengeance
YOU ARE ZACKY VENGEANCE! You play guitar like no other.you stay to the side kinda to yourself but your skills are powerful ad with your purple hair everyone notices you.

Take the quiz: "What Band Are You? (Good Bands)"

Avenged Sevenfold (A7x)
Yes! My favorite band A7x kicks ass!

Take the quiz: "-What Band are you!?"

You are Slipknot!
Your life is heavy metal! YOU JUST DONT GIVE A SHIT! And thats the attitude you have about life!

Take the quiz: "Are you a maggot or a juggalo?"

You are a Juggalo you love ICP and you would die for them you go to there concerts to see the wicked clowns with a bottle of FAYGO in your hand so you have much clown love. WOOT! WOOT!

Take the quiz: "Are you a juggalo?"

Your a juggalo homie, down with the clown for life!

Take the quiz: "Which Vampire Clan Do You Belng To?"

You are dreaded, mistrusted, feared and reviled! Clan quote: 'We are more than vampires. We are the next step in Cainite evolution. We will direct the others if they allow us to do so, or we will stand alone if we must. But we will survive'.

Current Mood: bored
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